Comic Sans strikes back
I'M COMIC SANS,
ASSHOLE.
Listen up. I know
the shit you've been saying behind my back. You think I'm stupid. You think I'm
immature. You think I'm a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think
again, nerdhole, because I'm Comic Sans, and I'm the best thing to happen to
typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.
You don't like
that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the
break room fridge? You don't like that I'm all over your sister-in-law's blog?
You don't like that I'm on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I'm
pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don't all have seventy-three
weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros.
Sorry the entire world can't all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry
some people like to have fun. Sorry I'm standing in the way of your minimalist
Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black
turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck
up for once.
People love me. Why?
Because I'm fun. I'm the life of the party. I bring levity to any situation. Need
to soften the blow of a harsh message about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I
am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again.
Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business' website?
SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.
When people need to kick back,
have fun, and party, I will be there, unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I'm banging the
prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing the clarinet, I'm
shredding "Reign In Blood" on my double-necked Stratocaster. While
Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I'm racing my tricked-out,
nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo
It doesn't even
matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I'm famous. I am on every
major operating system since Microsoft fucking Bob. I'm in your signs. I'm in
your browsers. I'm in your instant messengers. I'm not just a font. I am a
force of motherfucking nature and I will not rest until every uptight armchair
typographer cock-hat like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired,
sans-serif badassery.
Enough of this
bullshit. I'm gonna go get hammered
